I need a valium...STAT!

Yesterday could be considered a textbook example of a bad Monday: I broke my key in the door (fortunately, the piece broke off in my hand and not in the lock), a jacka$$ cut me off in traffic (I honked and fingered him, than passed him), and I saved my parents new patio table from being destroyed by my Dad.

It all started when I went there for dinner. I was hungry and knew full well we weren't going to eat at 6 like my Dad said (we ate at 8:30 or so), but I tried to remain calm. It wasn't long before my Dad told me he had a technical question. It was actually a tool question, as opposed to the typical technical (computer) questions he pummels me with on a somewhat regular basis (which is then followed by a rant about customer service and product design at company XYX).

He asked me to cut the patio table umbrella hole grommet thingamagig in half so it would fit in the hole of the tiled patio table top. I obliged, but suggested we just cut out a section, instead of cutting the grommit right in half. Brilliant they thought. Not so brilliant was the fact that I didn't think to ask why the grommet was so large in the first place.

After several trips up and down the basement stairs, which required I contort my body to avoid getting the hand rail in my hip, tripping on the 3 mops hanging in the stairwell, and getting a bag of recycling in my face, I cut the grommet to the right size. Navigating my Dad's shop was no easy feat either. I had to make my way past the airplane cockpit he is building down there, through piles of stuff, and over shards of broken glass and twisted metal (I am NOT exaggerating in the least). As you can guess, the saw I was using (coping I think) had a twisted blade, so it was hard to cut a straight line. The sight of my Dad's shop would send Helen B and the guys from Clean Sweep running out of the house and throwing themselves in front of one of the many double decker buses which pass by my parents house on a daily basis.

Back on the deck, the grommet snugly in place, I went to move the umbrella base into position under the table. It wouldn't fit under the side rails of the table without lifting one side of the table and sliding it under. It also wouldn't fit under the umbrella bracket which also acts as support for the table legs.

I decided to ignore this for now and lift the umbrella in place. It suddenly became clear why the grommet was too big in the first place -- the umbrella pole was bigger than the hole in the table. That's OK, my Dad said, we don't need the grommet. Uh, yes you do Dad I said. The table top is tile and the pressure of the pole next to the edge of the hole could cause the tile to chip or crack. This is especically true since the pole was also too big to fit in the bracket beneath the table. So, upon my command, we removed the umbrella.

The next challenge was to deal with the base that was too tall. That's OK my Dad said again. I'll just cut the support brackets off the table. Visualizing the table collapsing under the weight of the tile top and the umbrella, I suggested we reduce the height of the base by cutting the vertical tube the pole fits inside.

At this point, I looked at my parents friend Marylin who was visiting and listed out all the ways in which I had just saved the brand new table...all because I happened to stop by on that particular evening.

Events like these are all too common. It didn't take long to recall another example as I looked out over the edge of the deck at the greenhouse my Dad built, the electrical outlet installed on the deck, and the hose 'stations' throughout the yard.

Dad, if you are still reading this...I love you. Next time, consider this saying: "Two heads are better than one" and your next project may go a bit smoother.